On Today's Grace
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I’ve enjoyed today.
Dearest.. tonight felt very much like a celebration, a conquering of things - 1) overcoming nihilism in the world in the company of my fellow man, and 2) fear of myself.
I don’t typically enter political discussion, simply bc I haven’t trusted myself for years. In the past, I’ve had to temper the ugly.. which was just slightly short of being vulgar. .. No matter how good of a girl I’d try to be, whatever black I felt in my heart just would ooze onto the page, and I’d hate. Yes.. I’d get mad. Really mad. And it’d show.
This time was different. I let myself speak within the context of joy: I approached cautiously, not quite trusting myself, and sat beside my husband the whole time. He’d known my concerns - I can’t see this if I’m going to enter an occasion of sin and just hate these people.. I don’t want to go there, I told him.
I won’t let you, he told me.
And then I let myself just be me <soon to be post>.. a running theme I’ve been going with since my silent retreat. My children were lured by our laughter and gathered ‘round. I was among friends on Twitter, commenting, gawking.. but, I refrained from approaching anything dark — thank God, my heart just wasn’t there. The most I could say was “I don’t like this person”.. a very benign comment I never sent, because I do believe people can change. I’m very aware of the permanence of social media, so I try to refrain from accusing someone’s character, as opposed to speaking about their choices or thinking. It’s not in my heart to permanently condemn someone and label them as something forever..
I had just enough of God’s grace for today.
I didn’t think I would have a good day today, at first. Yesterday, Oct 6, was an inspired day, you see. Today, though.. when I woke up, I felt drained. My morning prayer wasn’t as fresh as yesterday’s.. I lacked focus, forgot intentions (again). Melancholy followed me throughout the morning. What is it? I wondered. Something’s not right. My teaching was interrupted. I was off-beat. For the first time since school started in August, my meetings online with my students didn’t shine, and I actually felt sorry for them for having to sit there and listen to me drone on, something I work hard to counter.. my poor kids..
Worse, the little “cold” I’d felt since we got home from our retreat wanted to start to bloom. By noon, I felt sad at the idea of having to test for Covid from being among my Carmelite brothers & sisters. I thought about my poor children if something were to happen to me.. ..they’d miss me. I think I’d be okay, but for these plucky, fun, inquisitive, joyous young people to grow up without their mom.. that just really got me down.
But I went for my Covid test, showered, and propped myself up in bed beside my husband - the rest of the night belonged to the debate.
And I had just enough of God’s grace for today.
Believing I’ve had enough of God’s grace yesterday, today, and will have enough for tomorrow .. that God’s grace makes its way into finding me, knocking on the door of my heart, and adhering into everything I think, do, or say.. is new for me. Father didn’t guide us into this thinking during our retreat, but I thought about it in a moment when I sat down to get ready for Conference #3 on Saturday afternoon… after a nice little nap with Hugo.
But it’s late.. I’ll tell you about this tomorrow.. I’ve taken off for the day, on account of my cold.. and I’ll be catching up with my writing, during which I will reveal more of what I’ve learned, what I’ve realized.. what I want to commit to memory in service and love of God my Father.
Father.. help me. Amen.
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Non nobis, Domine, non nobis, sed nomini tuo da gloriam, 10.7.2020