Debrief
.. shun the guilt, or face it & overcome it. ..an ongoing post.
updates along the top..
Really a space to decompress over Twitter.. to peel away..
Thurs, May 6, 2021
Honestly, I feel like a dog returning to their own vomit. Why did I even go there? Ah, sweet DMs.. I asked for it, though.
What struck me is a shift in how I’m not tolerating disunity. I still want to make things better, but, evidenced by tonight, it’s thought lost on the TL unless I capture it and develop it. As a writer, I see it as a post-in note that will disappear in the scroll down, even though by touching on the subject, I see how important it is to me.
So, let’s talk importance.
There’s a better way of seeing things to affect change. Consider: 1) Perception of the subject matter (evil). 2) Perception of who you’re attempting to convince (lost people, I am their savior, holier, with more knowledge, a disunitive stance.).
Perception bleeds into language, and negativity is fruitless. Even if Truth is sown, it’ll fall on rocky soil and will either die or bramble into the forest, hoping to make its way into the Inn.
Anyone who speaks this way anyway invites distrust. They’re bleating for a specific audience for themselves., not so much for Christ. If they really spoke for Jesus, then I would expect them to speak more of Him and His good news. Truth speaks to everyone. His sheep will hear His voice, so why not trust in words spoken in love, like Jesus did?
I don’t care to dismantle why it comes across as such and do as such, but I will say it’s nihilistic. And I’m wondering why I even care.
In the end, I wonder if I wasted my time. I did if the fruit of this encounter doesn’t feed its way into my greater work. It may match a sentiment or conviction I hold, but it’s an absolute waste of time spent, especially if I become disturbed. I’m not, though, simply because I’ve been playing with ideas and growing my own thoughts in a bigger playground. I got off the Twitter merry-go-round (I want to believe.. Help me in my unbelief, Lord! continue to severe my cords..)
This is what it means to go offline and make meaningful with what you envision in mind. Thoughts are stewing and very little outside is coming in. My time and thoughts here are mine, and original (I guess).
Better than bleating on Twitter.
Thurs, April 29, 2021 ..Feast of St. Catherine of Siena
I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you’re remembered where to put this, because, really, it belongs no where else — you’re not going to bother nice people tomorrow morning, you’re not going to bother yourself. You’re going to start fresh, fresh grace will be given to you and it will be a beautiful, productive day.
Tonight, you’re going to tell the devil to take a hike, he wants you to feel guilty about writing all day — and yes, although you’ve got that indulgent word stuck in your head still, you’ve really just got to move on. Too much depends on you, you depend on you.
And really, you’re just tired. You’ve thought all day, so ascribe this to just thinking too much. Hugo will finish with his work and he’ll crawl into bed with you and you can put your arms around him and fall asleep. Be thankful for this. Be thankful he has his work, and you have yours. Be thankful you get to stay home and make a home for him and your family. Be thankful you get to come to yourself like you never have before. Be thankful you’re tired and not suffering from insomnia like those other 2 nights when the kids wouldn’t stop bumping around the house. Be thankful you got to write all day today, and you’re not suffering like your poor colleagues who want to suffocate in those masks all day. Be thankful you don’t need to work, you asked for this, last year, remember? God gave it to you in perfection. Be thankful you had a friend to speak to. Be thankful others came to read what you had to say. Be thankful for the time they took from their lives, their work, their families to see what was up with you. Be humble about this, be careful next time, and be thankful enough to craft power in a shorter space, your words are important, your insight might be too, but people need to live their lives. Be thankful for the opportunity to give, so they can take, but let them go, veronica, for God’s sake. Be thankful you’re articulate and can dig deep. Be thankful you’re shy about nothing and see value and God’s work in everything. Be thankful you love as you do. Be thankful this is your subtle mode of expression for all this, and not other, unsavory choices you’ve the propensity to do if you really put your lowest self to it. Be thankful you were excited about today, be thankful for the grace through the rain, be thankful for thinking up the idea of morning hellos, they may not be there tomorrow or the next, you know your life changes from day to day and things come up. Be thankful He has made you as you are, and that you know who you are, vicious about your love in Love. Be thankful for those you know, for those God put in front of you to love, for those you truly love in Love. Be thankful for the internet you keep complaining about, too. Most importantly, be thankful for what you saw tonight, they’re just people, and that you’re just a person, too, who gets to depend on Jesus who gets all this, there’s really nothing for you to do except be yourself, in love. Be thankful He knows you’re spoiled and want it All, because that’s what He’s giving you — the ability to know your puny self can glorify God through the love of your neighbor on this earth. The more stupid you are, the more foolish you look, the more you glorify Him, because no one expects a little fool can do anything for Jesus. You’re His little gardening tool and He likes it that way. So, chill out.
I’m glad you went to Twitter. I’m glad you ended up there.. I don’t know how you did, or what or who you were looking for, but it was waiting for you, dripping with the Beauty of simple people on your feed. I know you didn’t mean to think, say, or feel this, but there that sense that you had to stay away or else — what? damnation?.. what??! — that’s your own lazy approach to virtue speaking. You spoke as though you would be lost if you went back, a doomed soul. Why would you think that? You, my God, let me speak this Truth, You, of all people know what it means to define a people, a place as a sin. You fought this all your life.. **all your life**.. how could you have forgotten? The presumption, the suspect, the bullshit about people. This is the same mindset trads evoke against normies, the same gossip some whisper against a bystander or a rando, which you absolutely hate with a passion.. All of this unproductive thinking that doesn’t do anything for anyone, most of all, for the thinker. Let me define again: you presumed to think going to Twitter was going to doom your progress. That the people on there were going to mess things up for you. Such a funny thing to say, when you've always held that it’s not the world that causes you to sin, or even the thoughts in your head… when you’ve always believed that if this were so, where would go? how could you live in the world?.. when you’ve always known thoughts like that betray the Unity and Love of Christ, your obligation to love God and love your neighbor.
Cowardly.
Look, I get taking a break, but you can’t be afraid. Make decisions to leave through prayerful discernment, not the whisperings of the devil, not out of fear of your past mistakes — that’s just your ego and self-love talking, not out of fear of your passions — you’ve got to learn to conquer them, how else can you practice pure love, purity of heart? how else can you beat that nasty devil and throw it in his face?
Frankly, I’m sick of you knocking Twitter. It’s a subtle diss of souls. They are normal, just like you, and I’m not going to tolerate hearing one more word on the subject, you’ve already said enough, it’s broaching pathetic. You need to get off this dead horse. Stop being stuck. You know how your’e always pin-pointing and seeing stuck people and motivating them to get un-stuck? Yeah, well.. you go do.
Love, baby.. Love. Pray. Go back to prayer.. offer yourself — your prayer and your time.
Enjoy them. See their beauty always, laugh — good and solidly like you do, keep doing this. Keep sharing with your family, keep explaining the holy you see.
Something big and wonderful must be coming up soon because I’m making such a big deal about this, you know how the pendulum swings, like tides, like the Dark Night.. and I’m standing firm on this: no more, ever, ever, ever, no more people diss in the slightest, remotest. If you notice your online existence takes precedence, just pipe down and do what you know you need to do.. don’t blame souls. You can’t stand people knocking other people — you understand? This is, yes, here it is, finally, it’s coming to me.. this is sacredly held belief of yours: every soul is a God’s, has the potential to be if they aren’t already. Stop your crying, I’m glad I helped you figure this out. Every single soul is precious, everyone you see. Show them their value in your eyes, in the eyes of God. Tell them. Love them.
so go love, veronica. in Love. deeply, always. stay unafraid, love. scares the hell out of the devil and he hates it.
.. o, look, your husband’s done! See? I know what I’m talking about.
Sun, Oct 25, 2020 + .. Feast of the Christ the King
Hearken, O daughter, and see, and incline thy ear: * and forget thy people and thy father’s house. And the king shall greatly desire thy beauty; * for he is the Lord thy God, and him they shall adore.
Ps. 44, 11-12
The story is this: restless, chaotic restless, for about 2-3 days. Could not. write. Could not think of an idea, just.. empty, empty, empty. Nothing helps.
Realized next day would be the Feast of Christ the King - I need to do this, I will order my day, completely disconnect from Twitter and reorder the priorities of my sad little heart. I structured my day, imagined what it would be like. I committed.
If this happens again, I hope to go here and retrace my thinking.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt as disconnected from social media as I have these past few days. I don’t know why this happened.. what I do know is that sometimes there’s a drawing back of sensible consolations - of seemingly good things - before God arrives with a torrent of His grace. This is was my experience yesterday eve & today.
The caveat is this: God will follow through.. I’m the one who has to stop being such a flake.. I’m the one who has to choose to cooperate with His grace to let Him usher in the good in my life.
Veronica, let Him be your King.
From Pope Pius XI’s Quas Primas:
It has long been a common custom to give to Christ the metaphorical title of "King," because of the high degree of perfection whereby he excels all creatures. So he is said to reign "in the hearts of men," both by reason of the keenness of his intellect and the extent of his knowledge, and also because he is very truth, and it is from him that truth must be obediently received by all mankind. He reigns, too, in the wills of men, for in him the human will was perfectly and entirely obedient to the Holy Will of God, and further by his grace and inspiration he so subjects our free-will as to incite us to the most noble endeavors. He is King of hearts, too, by reason of his "charity which exceedeth all knowledge." And his mercy and kindness which draw all men to him, for never has it been known, nor will it ever be, that man be loved so much and so universally as Jesus Christ.
Pope Pius XI, Quas primas diei 11 Decembris 1925
Fri, Oct 23, 2020
Nearly 20 days in.. I’m okay. Went through a serious dip in a matter of hours, watching discourse on my feed. I’ve been very careful about those I’ve chosen to follow - I want friendships, but I want levity & beauty & love, which has been beautifully maintained thus far. Just seeing my friends disturbed.. bothered me very much, because I know there’s very little I could do in a moment, in a tweet to help them. It’s a mindset many of us have picked up bc of our troubles in the hierarchy (it took at least 6 months to overcome mine & was only really interrupted by the death of my Mother). My overarching answer to all of who I was seeing was Jesus asking,
But yet the Son of man, when he cometh, shall he find, think you, faith on earth?
One way to see this statement, if of course, by constantly seeing the earth ravaged by sin. Another way - the way I saw it this week - is seeing faith flounder in the hearts of members of Christ’s Mystical Body. Is it concern for the death of the Church? Christ said it prevail against the gates of hell. Is it anxiety for the return of Christ? Over the invalidity or the loss of the Sacraments? Then get off Twitter, get holy, stay holy - we’ve already done a trial run at the beginning of the pandemic. Let not that experience be for naught.
This week, before this, I did feel a drawing into myself, a call.. my wanting to go into more purposeful, permanent work, desiring to follow God’s Will. That little dip pretty much sealed it. I’ve given myself a few days (2ish) to draw up whatever purpose in my head to ground myself. So far, I have this:
-return to Canonical prayer life: morning, midmorning, noon, after work, late afternoon, eve.
-return to Scripture: O, what a relief to discover this.. I stepped out of myself for a second, and watched myself hunting for that damned inspiration of contentedness. Remembered something I’d seen on Tumbler for St. Ursula’s Feast Day. That took me to 1st Peter. Dearest, my eyes never feasted on something so quickly, so intently.. they probed the limpid pages of my bible, just.. hungry.
My Sweet Jesus, My King, My All, I cannot rest until I rest in You..
-NaNoWriMo projects:
[Something] on Twitter.. get it off my chest
anthology of short stories for little souls
a seriously-just-a-rough-draft of my soul’s bookmark, similar to St. Teresa de Jesus’ - for my children, where I just outline what I believe is necessary in these times, what to focus on, what helps, instructions on how to create their own (similar to a Rule of Life) - go back & support w/ saints’ writings, Church doctrine, & tradition.. weave in the Mass, o, weave in the Mass.
holy metaphor - homes, place, & soul
etc.
Maybe I’ll toggle between the 3.. my brain likes to be occupied. I have a feeling if I prayed more, I would be more settled.. but then I wouldn’t want to write anything bc there’s Nada that can be said.
I’ve been there.. maybe God’s allowing me exist in this state, because.. because.. I’ve asked for it and He’s heard my prayers.
Tu, Oct 6, 2020
Not even drafting this in Scrivener.. trying this meticulously to walk that psychological bridge. Just.. click onto this tap over here, away from Twitter.. and..
I’m not going to feel guilty. I spent all day on Twitter and I loved it.* I enjoyed being among people. Laughing, snickering, sharing with Hugo.. getting all emotional and teary and lovey.. speaking to souls and reaching out for help.
This all aligns with my #7 Twitter Thing Retreat notes. I said I wasn’t going to be a voyeur anymore. I was going to speak, dearest.. connect & touch. This is important to me. This is what I’m like, I will not suppress it. Father said so, in fact. It’s okay to be me, to not be afraid, holiness can’t be compartmentalized by character traits, so.. here I am.
I sensed grace.. Love.
Dearest, what set this off began early this morning.. I was up at 5, puttering about the house, and I woke Hugo about 6:45 to pray the Divine Office with me. It was then that I told him I realized that God the Father loved me, that He knows He created a beautiful daughter with a beautiful little heart.. and that He wants that love. He wants me to love Him, just as I would my own father, my husband’s father, or your father, dearest, if I knew him, with deep love, regard, and respect. At least.. but more.
We ended up in this beautiful discussion about worthiness and Love in God.. and then it was time to move on with our day.
So.. it began well, my day. I didn’t squander the opportunity to pray and love in Love. This is how the guilt sets in.. I don’t make time to sit and love God and just think of Him bc my mind is occupied with something else.
It’s like my day was sanctified. By God the Father Himself.. that’s what it was like.
We closed with prayer, too.. the Divine Office, then the rosary with our children.
There you go, Twitter. Thanks, pal o’mine, for giving me access to my friends. Beautiful souls.. may God bless them because I love them. Amen.
Sorry, devil. You lost today, too. I wrested that guilt from you & I wrote anyway.. You can’t stop me, I’m bound to Mary & Jesus & my Father watches over me.. Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.
AMDG. Feast of St. Bruno .. (what a day I spent with him.. love him, he whispers to and quiets my soul.)
*confirmed:
And Jesus answering, said to him: What wilt thou that I should do to thee? And the blind man said to him: Rabboni, that I may see. - Mark 10:51