updates below Ye Folde, delineated by images ❤️
.. dearest, what I'm doing to rid myself of this little beast. I’m traveling, so I’ll be brief, expand later.. I don’t want this substack to replace my Twitter habit.
.. dearest, I’m documenting, per my norm, bc I want to help anyone who wants to quit, too.. bc I forget, in a few days my thinking will change, this sense of grace and immediacy will change 1) bc I’m so intent on cooperating with this grace offered me & moving on, and 2) I want to go back and remember this hell I’m going through in ridding myself of this anti-Christ.
—
Merciless:
First, I’m using my reason and intellect to prompt my will. This entails talking bad about the place — NOT the souls on there. I’ve been in such dire straits with lukewarmness & laxity, I'm doing all I can to convince myself things need to change by reminding myself of the harm that comes to souls, of all the bad things that are going on over there, of what I’ve seen, of my own involvement.
This is a period of being real with myself, of being honest, and very, very brutal. Ruthless. This is part of who I am, it doesn’t hurt me, and it does nothing to harm the love I have for the souls on there. I am analyzing what social media has done to my soul, what it does to souls, how the zeitgeist apes the Communion of Saints, etc., our proclivity to follow along..
I’ve known and considered all this before.. this is how bad I've been.
Second, I’ve no shame (at this point). I am wary of the devil’s ploy to put me in a downcast position of sadness, missing my friends, missing my habit, deep regret of my squandered time when I knew better, etc. I’m not cracking any door that may open the door to depression or despair, I’m very careful on this point. It doesn’t seem this is where Jesus wants me to be, anyway, it’s not the time to ponder my trespasses, my betrayal of my Lord and my Mother.. He wants me to be content, fervent, heal, get stronger. He's letting me be a baby in returning to myself, in returning to Him, in being with Him.
Vigilant:
I am hyper-aware of God speaking to me through everything and everyone right now, a great grace. It may be bc my soul’s pricked eats for social media have now been turned entirely to Him, now that social media is off.. but who cares, it’s happening.
When I come back, I’ll tell you what I’m seeing, what I’m reading, what it means, etc.
For now, reading a holy book aloud to Hugo while we travel. ❤️
AMDG, 2.5, 11:53a
❤️briefly, getting ready to go offline again… :)
Last Night:
Exhausted. It was during my fatigue that I reached for my phone and began scrolling, mindlessly. I had nothing but my Tumblr, a better choice than my Pinterest (much, much too chaotic.. what began as expressly a holy collection has morphed into idyllic English landscapes, cottages, quaint living rooms, lush night- and seascapes.. Tumblr is pure Beauty.) .. blessed for that. 3 minutes, max.
Prayer:
Keeping every scheduled encounter with Our Lord and Our Lady: Divine Office: Morning Prayer, Evening Prayer, Rosary, mental prayer 30 min, and then some. Grace before meals, pauses to recollect when I see something beautiful, pray for someone. My mind is less scattered, my intellect can focus and play deeply with ideas, but my prayer is focused — intentional, a meeting of the hearts. I come away knowing I’ve met the divine these past few days. This is remarkable — I’ve been so saddened by my scatter-brain I’ve had for months. Obviously, it’s the effect of the will. My chains have been broken. I *have* to commit — looking for a stronger word here. This moment, I’m thinking of actually making some sort of vow. Yes.. dearest, you wouldn’t believe how free and whole I feel compared to just 2, 3 days ago, I haven’t the word to explain it. Vow, oblation, consecration, something. I’ll decide, show you that process, too.
Have to go, planning on updating for this next:
About Confession:
My Reading List, in the order they were presented to be to break my chains:
-Pslams - from The Pslams and New Testament
-The Sermons of St Francis de Sales on Our Lady (been praying to him for weeks)
-Dante’s Inferno
-Prayer, Aspiration, and Contemplation- from the writings of John of St. Sampson, O.Carm
-The Hidden Life: Essays Mediations, Spiritual Texts - from the Collected Works of Edith Stein
-Deep Conversion, Deep Prayer by Thomas Dubai, S.M.
-Last Letters: Prisons & Prisoners of The French Revolution by Olivier Blanc
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Dearest, I’ll be back.. I love you, I’m praying for you and yours. Begging God to keep me where I am - loyal and astute and in love. Talk soon, going offline.
AMDG, 2.6, 1:13p
Ye Folde —>>>
About Confession:
I’d scheduled it the night before for 11a the next morning — a Thursday — unbeknownst to Hugo. Then I’d forgotten about it up until 10a, when he was coming out of his morning shower. No reason for the delay.. perhaps. I’m a bigger fan of confession. I wish I could go every fortnight.
On this particular occasion, I already had mortal sin on my mind. St. Mark’s Chapter 1 gospel story from the Sunday before about Jesus entering the synagogue in Capernaum and rebuking an unclean spirit didn’t come into my thinking.
He taught them as one having authority and not as the scribes.
I wasn’t afraid of being provoked by a demon or being possessed or oppressed, but I do remember mediating on Christ’s authority after Communion. My King, my Savior, my Lord, the Authority in my little life.
I knelt there before a statue of St. Mark, who held a long parchment, and I thought about God’s Law. How often had I gone over it these past few weeks and months? How often did I meditate on it? How often did I try to alter my behavior to better serve my Lord and neighbor in careful adherence to the Ten Commandments? Did I surround myself with ideas and values that reflected this Life?
Kneeling there, the First Commandment stood out to me. Spoke to me.
I am the Lord thy God. Thou shalt not have strange gods before me.
My Lord, King, and Savior.. the Authority of my every breath. When did I have a strange god before you?
Every time I logged onto Twitter, walked away from Twitter, went back to Twitter, sought on Twitter, engaged with Twitter, talked about Twitter. All day, every day.
Kneeling there, I knew.
.. and it nagged at me all week. Seeing filth among the usual suspects was the final nail in coffin, so to speak, and so I set up a confession appointment. Hugo happily obliged.
Half an hour after I remembered and told him, as we embarked into our car to leave — at about 10:30 — this was when it entered my mind to deactivate my Twitter account. And I let everyone know. It was like a no-brainer: if I was going to confess a mortal sin against the First Commandment, then I had to entirely relieve myself of the cause of my sin.
My priest gave me no counsel. It was 3 sins: cursing once or twice and sloth, then trespassing against my Lord and thinking more of a thing, more of indulging my curiosity, more of my vanity, my pride than anything else.. even Him.
For my penance, Father told me to choose 3 random souls and pray for them, offering God’s grace through me to help them. I remarked to him how wonderful this was, because my original intent behind my Twitter account was to help people, lift them, show them God, pray for them.. and now, the focus was for me to do this in real life. Thank you, Father..
—
The sequencing of all this doesn’t leave me any doubt. Christ is my King and Savior, these are word I proclaim, but my heart had lain somewhere else for awhile. I listened and obeyed.
When I look back on that Sunday gospel reading from St. Mark, Chapter 1, I can see how my mind could have followed the thread of demonic temptation. Of Jesus casting out sin and healing me. But it’s interesting how my mind went to Christ’s Authority instead. This is absolutely where I love to go with Him. This is what I’d tweet all time — Christ reigns. I know at the turn of the year, my posting had become listless, the daily Crucifix, Mary, saints, and Christ reigns images were becoming less frequently, truly, as I was figuring out what to do with my social media. I didn’t want to succumb to the chaos and upheaval resulting from political strife, but my own purpose became chaotic — magnified, really.. a reflection of where I’d been going these past few months.
Why it happened, I can’t tell you, other than perhaps offer the suggestion that we slip. Slowly. Venially. And before you know it, you’ve committed a sin against the First Commandment without even realizing it.
Saying I didn’t know doesn’t cut it, because I’m not that kind of Catholic. Or, that’s not the kind of Catholics we purport ourselves to be. We’re supposed to know better. I know better.
And so, Christ just lovingly reminded me after Communion that last Sunday of January.
Dearest, you cannot receive me worthily anymore if you continue with your social media as you do.
— I’m sorry, Lord, I didn’t realize..
This is why I’m telling you. You have forgotten Me.
— I’m sorry, Lord.
—
AMDG, 2.9, 1:44p
Help me, Lord.. I feel as though I’ve forgotten everything..