Perverse.
:). Hello.
Dearest, I realize you’re reading this on the break of a brand new day.. It’s night for me, the time that attracts me still, but I’ve been with Hugo all week — his day off before beginning his new work. My new daytime writing habit is at a momentary standstill. Not frozen in time, just paused. Quivering and hopeful, like the tense tremor of a violin, a raindrop lingering on the end of a lilting blade of grass.
There are things I want to say at the end of this day and I hope it won't cast too much of a shadow upon your morning. If it ends up this way, I’ll just get up earlier & write something a little more sprightly.. Green and alive.
I was among bad men today. Bad men who touched themselves — spiritually, psychological — their minds drawn to repeated, entrenched, deeply gratifying habits. Obscene, self-satisfying ideas. So blind were they to their mental streaking and climactic conversation, they didn’t notice when souls in the com grew silent. The lurid strokes of their conversation grew longer, the deeper into the thread they crawled. What started off as masturbatory self-adulation became a gross exchange in front of everyone. Defecating on each other, the souls around them, and the Church.
Yes.
It was a thread hijacked by men arguing about Vatican 2. I’m not seething. I wasn’t mad before, but I was very silently disturbed by the lack of peace and decency these certain men had for a thread that had nothing to do with what they were talking about.
I haven’t been around apologetic trad groups for months, haven’t deeply observed those discussions for years, even. Surely, I come across a comment or short thread, but with the conversation, I was flagged all day because I was about 2, 3 tweets into part of the original post.
So I got to see it all. The slow, painful reveal of these men who couldn’t give it a rest.
What were they doing? What did this remind me of? All day, I asked myself — why was I so bothered by this lack of holy by these self-proclaimed Catholic prophets?
I didn’t have to see what they were up to. I didn’t have to see them destroying the unity of the Church. Not giving a whit of who was watching, what they looked like, how sour and disgusting their language was. Just brash, ugly, mean men. Devils. Screwtape and Wormwood, only the C.S. Lewis’ demons were more elegant and less shameful.
So, this is my 3rd little mourning this month. The first was the loss of both my husband’s & my employment, the second was the loss of my cat, the third is figuring out what to do with Twitter.
If I weren’t on Twitter, I would not have seen that nasty, scandalous Vatican 2 conversation.
If I weren’t following a certain “type” of Catholics (as they’ve labeled themselves), it wouldn’t have entered my timeline.
I am diametrically opposed to limiting my access to *any* Catholic or non-Catholic.
But it’s creep.
I haven’t even the words to describe how horrible they were. Just complete disregard for everything. And everyone. When you venture into their territory, you know. Their anger at what’s happened to the Church has poisoned them.. and I want nothing to do with anything they’re connected to.
For years, I was *angry* at my brother’s brand of sedevacantism. It carried over into my time on Twitter. I was vocally anti-sede. Something happened & that turned off, a grace. And now I see these stubborn souls again — I don’t reneg on my empathy — but I see how pointless it is to even have an opinion about any of it, to have any concern, or worry.
Today confirmed that God knows what He’s doing. He has to.. because fools like these who appear to be the smartest of laymen absolutely don’t. They’re faithless. Watching them is consorting in their acts .. of faithlessness.
Their acts.
It’s a sin of omission now for me to say nothing to them. I had felt this every time, but I silenced this thorn because I wanted to play and explore on Twitter.
But I know it’s impossible for me to not come across it unless I make my circle very, very small, or very, very broad — absolutely filled with everything I love.
Or I can just end all this trouble and quit.
I do my best to avoid bad, naughty accounts.. but this.. this is a whole other perversion I don’t want to see ever again.
—
Non nobis, Domine, non nobis, sed nomini tuo da gloriam, 2.3.2020
Dearest Lord, forgive me if I’ve sinned & caused scandal, but You gave me this talent, I can’t bury it. How else can I describe the laxity of these souls that are supposed to be holy? What they do is shameful, if they only saw the injury they caused You. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for me, look how lax I’ve become, I can’t even pray well. You be my prayer, though.. because I am so weak, and so I can pray for them, too. I don’t know why you place this in my heart, but I will listen. I love you, my King, my sweet Sovereign. Amen.
The terrors of death surged round me, the cords of the nether world enmeshed me. In my distress I called upon the Lord; from His holy temple He heard my voice.
Ps 17:5-7
I love You, O Lord, my strength, O Lord, my rock, my fortress, my deliverer.
Ps 17:2-3
- Introit, Feria IV infra Hebdomadam Septuagesimæ, Commemoratio: S. Blasii Episcopi