anon.

🔥..¹

I love the Carthusians. I love the Silence, I love the Age of the Order, I love their Simplicity. If I weren’t a Carmelite, I would have been a Carthusian because I already wander the world silently.. anywhere beyond my loves. That’s just my disposition, how God has crafted my soul.

The way they’re buried — silently, without identity, with only a cross — has come to me throughout the years, but tonight I’m especially keen to visit them will I think about my anonymity.

I’ve been an anonymous Catholic drifter on the internet for years. In all honesty, I’ve never grown tired of it, although I have always, always resisted — the bundle of trouble and temptations and freedom that comes with doing what one want when no one knows you’re there, like those closest to you. Over time, you build a separate life no one really knows about. Build, as in, it’s different than random conversations, encounters you would normally have beyond the purview of your loved ones.. encounters that are negligible in the grand scheme of things, except perhaps in your own formation as a well-rounded, beautiful, loving human being. Build, as in, you return to a space over and over and over again, forging a world you fall in love, with story that moves you, with souls you come to love.. and then there’s really no way to explain, except in terms that absolutely minimalize and perhaps trivialize the wonder you’re experiencing because you’re witnessing the revelation of man, the revelation of God’s Beauty, Goodness & Truth through man’s brilliant thought, through the life he lives in the shadow of His Creator. The world is Built on preference, on belief, and on carefully curated choices that mirror who you are, how you act, what you believe in real life. That’s powerful.

We’re talking about almost an entire culture & civilization, catered to you.. and your the whims of your heart. You’re a world-builder, a creator, a maker who can move your own heart simply by how you’ve planned and laid out before you.

I’ve experienced this and know this, intimately.

And I’ve been subtly — and not so subtly — confused by it, especially by the general unknowns that stir my heart when all I really want is my heart to be stirred by God. That’s my reason talking, my Intellect.. the part of me that chooses not to sin, to be a faithful Catholic who fosters devotion to go to Holy Mass every Sunday. The passions still move my my heart, my Will, and therefore, my internet connectivity.. like a bad habit. So, I resist. As we should, when habits threaten to interrupt our vocation, our duty to our neighbor, and our devotion to God.

How do I make my presence legit? Has always been my question, because I’ve always resided with a handle since the internet became a thing. Handle: a pseudoname.

Tonight, though, I’m thinking about embracing this anonymity, something I’ve never, ever done — and stop worrying about coming out of the shadows.

Tonight, I’m thinking about moving past the wasted time of forging a voice that’s not really me, that’s less real than what I’ve found in the sacred hiddenness.

I don’t need to go into detail to tell you about the beauty of the Hidden Soul. There’s our Mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary, there’s Our Lord and His life before His ministry, there’s St. Joseph, there’s St. Therese who was a little nobody, there’s all the countless Saints unknown to us but honor us with their protection in the Communion of Saints.. there’s a remarkable, gentle beauty & tenderness in what is hidden & not readily revealed, truly reflective of God’s love & grace & secret ways of molding the soul.

.. and so.. I think I’m done wasting time with the struggle.

yes.

what if the struggle, which the good Catholic would equate with wrestling with sin and the devil and one’s own salvation and therefore a good thing, were really a distraction from the holy that can be worked through an little anon vessel?

yes.

..my dear friend, I think I’m done.

Prayers and love, for God’s glory, prayers and love.

❤️

in Love,
your veronica

—

In Spiritu Tuo, ad gloriam Patris. 7.20.2023.

1. I will skip the usual caveats.. where I’ve been, what I’ve been up to.. perhaps it will come..