Again.
..Writerly Things. Attempts and such. updated 2.10, 2:30p
updates along the bottom… below the fold..
Monday, Feb 9
+JMJ+
Lord, may what I do here be directed toward pursuing Your Adorable Holy Will.
Once again, not sure where to start, just gonna talk.. not even going to think about this.
On Obedience.
Obedience has figured into my thinking these past few days. It cropped up sometime before my end-Twitter days on February 4 (*sniff*) — brief shower thinking, likely. It may have very well happened after confession. I mean, my heart was at peace, there was no pull to go back to social media, and I finally felt that complete alignment of wills with the Father. I was doing what I was supposed to do.
When have I ever done what I was supposed to do?
Adulthood is truly such a free state of being. We get to do whatever we want, think whatever we want. If we don’t like it, we leave, move, or quit.
I feel I’ve gotten away with everything, more than some. I was the baby of my family of origin (it turns out I’m the oldest of my family by 3 months), and I’m the mother of this Catholic family. Although my husband is head of our household and I submit and am wholly obedient (while I look for this, I know there is much more to be explored to be entirely “wholly” — but for the most part, it does apply to our marriage, I enforce this), it has been allotted to me to lead spiritual matters, although not necessarily lead us in Faith. I am the oldest Catholic in the family (my husband went through a conversion), and I do spend more time reading and discerning holy things to be passed on to the rest of our tribe. Maybe this is just the mother’s role in a Catholic family. My point is, where I am right now in my life, I feel like I call the shots — aside from what my husband tells me or he and I discern together.
Really.. I answer to no one except God. And then we all know what happens when we stand in front of our parents but choose not to listen to whatever it is they’re telling us. We can obey as far as we’re able or understand, but what of the spirit?
I’ve gotten away with so much. Because of my holy credibility — who I am, what I know, what I can do. I’m Catholic, I catechized, Quo Vadis, I know where I’ve come and where I’m going.. supposedly. Because of my position in this family. I’m Mom, I’m wife, I’ve authority. Because of how I love. I will love you because God says so. I will love God and do as I please.
So, now I’m wondering where obedience figures into all this. Am I really obedient? Can I be more obedient?
That was old thinking.. and now I’ve forgotten what got me started today on obedience… I’ll come back.
Patterns
I may be off Twitter, but I still Tumblr now and again. It has my holy feed according to the Liturgical Year, so I like to touch base with it every so often. I need my holy images. I’m still a little baby needing that holy milk.
Lately, though, I’ve realized that there are less and less holy images posted. I noticed this beginning about 6 months ago, maybe.. August/September. I just assumed souls were busy acclimating themselves to a new school year or work schedule because of Covid. Nothing’s changed though, the holy things are becoming sparser and sparser.
There’s plenty of artwork from the Renaissance painters, but there’s a much diminished focus on Jesus and Mary, the Church, and the saints. If I want to find a cathedral, I’ll find architectural elements like this, tagged under #gothic or things like #vampire or #imsodarkcheckmeout. I’m not kidding. (actually, I am, but you get my point).
I shouldn’t complain.. I’ve been a lazy Tumblr-er. I have my general favorites and reblog a lot of my stuff. I guess I’ll have to start posting my own original holy content. I miss seeing it, so I might as well start throwing it up on the feed.
Tumblr’s different than Twitter in that I get to interact as little as I like on there.. it’s mainly about the imagery. There’s very little to disturb my soul there.
Questions are now: 1) do I want to spend my time doing this? 2) do I want to get into another social media trap, watching likes for my stuff? would that happen? do I even want to find out?
My soul says simply: no.
About God
God has been very silent with me. I have a lot of doubt, but I ignore it. I have a lot of wistfulness in that I remember how my prayer life had been months ago, but I don’t feel sad about it, nor do I dwell on it. Devils just throw it in my face now and again and I just tell them to go to hell.
My interior life is very dry, but I keep going, reading, praying, listening, watching. I’m thinking of adding Daily Mass, just to spend that time with Him. Everyone is so taken care of here at home, and for once, I have that freedom as a non-working Mom.
I’m reminded that I’ve gone through big, interior prayerful changes like this before — and that I’m not to expect a return to the way things were, the way I’d been last year, or the year before, or the year before. Right now, I just feel God taking everything from me, every joy, every little thing that would give me a sense of happiness and cuteness about life. It’s not a scary thing — my taste of beautiful music and my writing is still very much intact (can’tcha tell? :)) — it’s just that everything seems so dullish to me. Lackluster.
I want to throw away everything in the house — books, clothes, dishes. If it’s not beautiful or purposeful, I want it out.
Systems need to go. We’re not running on rush-to-school time anymore. Wasting time isn’t acceptable. We need time to read, pray, talk, laugh and love.
Yeah.. deadened.
It’s up to me as Mother to bring things to life again — after being trapped in Covidland for a year, yes, but also because of the x amount of years taken from us as a family bc of the time I’ve spent working.
Enough.
God has a funny way of getting what He wants done. How good He is.. I can’t help but be obedient to Him, once I understand.
I allot my soul to Him and ignore it.. After all this is done, I’ll return to myself and see the changes He has wrought, a very, very curious thing to see.
Yes, dearest, I’ve been through this before. So many times before.
Objective
I’m collecting ideas for later perusal.
My objective in writing this is to overcome my hesitation to write. It’s been with me these past several days. Weeks, even. I’ve been melancholy about even writing and I’m intent on overcoming it by.. well, pretty much writing about whatever’s on my mind. Whatever’s flitting by. I think on the fly, this is how I’m built. And I love to think as I write. Something will catch and I’ll go deeper.
Or not.
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AMDG, 2.9, 9:05p
Loving God before sleep..
The Gloria of St. Francis of Assisi
You are holy, O Lord: you alone work wonders.
You are mighty. You are great. You are the Most High!
You, omnipotent King, Holy Father, Kong of Heaven and earth.
You ate the Lord God triune and one.
You are goodness, all goodness, supreme goodness, the Lord Hod, living and true.
You are charity and love.
You are wisdom.
You are humility.
You are patience.
You are security.
You ate tranquility.
You ate joy and gladness.
You are justice and temperance.
You are riches and our all-sufficiency.
You are beauty.
You are clemency.
You are our protector, guardian, me defender.
You are strength.
You are our refuge.
You are our hope.
You are our faith.
You are our great sweetness.
You are our eternal life, great and admirable Lord, God all-powerful, merciful Saviour.
Amen.
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Living the Mass
Tomorrow I begin trying to live my life in union with the Sacrifice of the Mass, an idea I’ve had in mind for a very, very long time.
This comes after reading Edith Stein tonight, I’ll tell you about this tomorrow.. maybe I’ll just read it aloud, her writing is so beautiful.
I begin with the an Introit of Divine Office.. hopefully I can find a suitable daily offering prayer tomorrow morning for the day.. bring the children together on the morning so we can offer our day. Not doing this now seems like our days are a waste, esp w horrid school & covid safeguards at work which could have been offered as a sacrifice in union with Christ all this while.
No matter. We know now.. and Jesus will make use of all we’ve done. He never squanders as we do.. He will make perfect.
AMDG, 2.9, 11:15p
the fold:
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Thursday, February 10
+JMJ+
O God, Who, to show us the way of innocence, caused the soul of Your Virgin, blessed Scholastica, to fly up to heaven in the likeness of a dove, grant us, through her merits and prayers, to live innocently so that we may be found worthy to reach everlasting joys.
Through Jesus Christ, thy Son our Lord, Who liveth and reigneth with thee, in the unity of the Holy Ghost, ever one God, world without end.
R. Amen.
Collect, Sancta Missa, S. Scholasticæ Virginis
Lord, help me please you in everything I do.. even this nap I’m about to take.. May this rest recharge my body, mind, and soul, that I may give all to my children, husband, family & friends. Please also renew the spirit of a soul suffering especially from anxiety, of a young mother who cannot rest. Ease her mind, Lord, let her know she is loved by You, that she may a source of grace to her family. Amen.
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:)
It’s nearing 2p and Hugo’s about to go into a meeting with his new crew. He began Monday.
My routine is expressly motherly and wifely, puttering around and doing, except during my downtime when I keep him company. I’ll be either at my desk across from his, or I’ll be on our bed behind him.
In short, Hugo kicked me out. I voluntarily left so he wouldn’t have to think about me anymore, or remember for me to leave. We like being near one another, so proximity works.. unlike now when he knows I’ll be clacking way at my laptop (before my nap.. simply because I can. again, this alludes to what I said earlier about obedience & getting to do what I want as an adult… thinking for later..)
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On the Mass ..in a Little Domestic Church.
Mass-thinking this morning went well. I told Hugo what I was thinking about last night when we woke up early to pray our Divine Office — about how I was interested in trying to “Live the Mass,” or life my day in imitation of Christ’s life of sacrifice to the Father and in union with the Masses said in the world.
This is an idea Hugo’s familiar with..
Our Morning Prayer will be our Introit of sorts, I said, our sacrificial approach to the rest of our day. Kind of like the Introíbo ad altáre Dei, maybe like the Kyrie eléison, or the Gloria. I haven’t figured out how I’d mark our the rest my morning, but it’d be something like this.
I’ve spoken to him about it off and on for over a year now, so, of course he reaffirmed my intentions just as we began to pray our Morning Prayer for St. Scholastica.
When we began, though, Hugo interrupted our prayer and began to weep, because it’s been awhile since we woke up this early to pray the Divine Office together. Suddenly, he keenly sensed the emptiness & loss off all the other mornings he didn’t get to pray it with me.
Our prayer life is foundational, Hugo, our duty, I reminded him. Everything else rests upon it.
Then I quoted what Edith Stein told me last night:
Our daily schedule ensures us of hours for solitary dialogue with the Lord, and these are the foundations of our life. Together with priests and other ancient orders of the church, we pray the Liturgy of the Hours, and this Divine office is for us as for them our first and most shared duty. But it is not for us the supporting ground. no human eye can see what God does in the soul during hours of inner prayer. It is grace upon grace. And all of life’s other hours are our thanks for them.
- Before the Face of God, St. Benedicta (Edith Stein) (bold & emphasis mine)
All of life’s other hours are our thanks for them.
Then it clicked for Hugo: all the hours we live are praise and thanksgiving, just like the Mass.
In union with, I told him.
So, we’ll see.
My goal is to remember Our Lord with the help of Our Lady *all day*. This was the something I wished to go deeper into all those years ago when I first stayed home with the children. This is my second staying home. Now, I’ve the spiritual capacity to approach this little holy idea & develop it a little further, if it is pleasing to God the Father.
We’ll see..
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Twitter’s not for saints
So far, I’m about 50 posts shy of printing out my entire sub stack trove of writing. My plan is to slowly go through what I’ve written and slowly pluck to ideas for further development.. kind of like what I’m doing with this post. What’s important to me rises to the surface and catches my attention, I take it a little deeper, make connections, layer.. love.
While I’m printing out these reams of stuff (it’s my preference to read hard copies.. I greatly desire to have that paper between my fingers..), I have been able to glance through some of my ideas & get a sense of where I’ve been these past few months.
For one, I’m still intent on loving Christ the King. I mean, He’s like dominant for me. Little servant, little servant, I want to be more of a little servant. I haven’t forgotten this.
The other thing I noticed <in today’s printing of about 10 posts> is that sometime sin October, I was still trying to get away from Twitter before I settled into a routine of accepting who I was as a denizen of the internet, in pursuit of intimate friendships. Intimate friendships (as you know) are still up in the air.. but this resistance to Twitter is not without cause.
Since late last night I’ve thought 3 things:
Twitter is a paradox of secrets. One makes no secrets of how one feels or opines on Twitter — once something is posted, it’s out there for everyone — and yet, we still stealthily move about, nurturing our inordinate curiosity.
That’s tough on a soul. In fact, it hurt me.
The other two things are vanity and the pursuit of attention.
I enjoyed the attention., I sought attention. Finding images, the right wording started out pure enough — I wished to spread the love, beauty, and Truth of God — but a soul can’t help but be tainted by other intentions. Drat our concupiscence..
At times, my time there was no longer became out Jesus and Mary, but about me. Was it wrong for my purpose on Twitter to morph? Was it wrong to cultivate friendships? No. But, I’m interested in purity of intention and in becoming a saint.
Simply, Twitter’s a slippery slope I haven’t learned to manage. The best I could do was resist it throughout it all.. and I don’t know if I can convey what kind of hell that is, to enter something that’s supposed to be fun, but keep oneself in check all the time because of what might lurk down the Timeline.
Am I being a prude? No.
I’m just being an orthodox Catholic who wants to be a saint.
AMDG, 2.10, 2:30p
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On Bedtime at 10p