Water to Wine
Water to Wine
.. making better.. my miracles for this Week of Oct/Nov.
🔥.. updated, added to along the top..1
🔥Sea.
.. my dearest friend.. I hardly finished what I set out to do with this entry.. there was just too much. Too much.
Everyday, in every place I was, in and with every Mass, there was such an overwhelming connectivity with the Divine. Everything had meaning, everything had a message. Exclude the times when I was actively doing something — my life as a mom, wife, lover, friend, companion, teacher, neighbor, sister — there’s hardly time to pause & look for God & perceive His Goodness when you’re performing a work. But the time when I could have a thinking moment while sitting, standing, sitting, lounging, I could see where God had been, where He was, where He Is. In my Missal, in my priest, in my husband, in the sky, in the stepped-on, dew-covered grass in the morning, in my forgetting my water bottle at home & finding a new one on my desk, in my forgotten lunch, in the dishes, in my cleaned-out closet.
I can’t relate everything. If it continues this way, I’ll have to choose — or just stip the end of this rolling life & tell you what was the most profound thing of the day was. I’ll have to discern, I’ll have to more closely listen, I’ll have to be more quiet & still. But that’s okay.
Once upon a time I could See like this. It came to me right in this very space. It was the writing, it was Love, it was God Himself, but then I lost the ability to See. This must have been years ago — 1 1/2, 2 at least. It showed up here in the writing, it’s somewhere in the archives.
I know for sure what helped me See again was taking myself away from social media & the scrolls of Notes. This is something I know I have to absolutely write about, because I know why this happens — how our attention is taken up by mediums instead of what God places before us. He’s in social media, too, among people, but it’s not the same as a live-setting, with real people, simply because we live social media through us, through our perspective. That’s how internet addicts are made — for some, it’s ruinous, including little souls like me who get caught up with finding meaning everywhere.
I have to be quiet. I have to be more still.
That’s okay, because I love where I’ve been this week, I know I’ve been doing His Will.. because He speaks to me, I’m in His Presence.. with my husband.
Oh, there’s no way I want to give that up now. I pray I never waver, ever again, that God gives me strength or makes me mute forever.
❤️
9:42p
❤️I’m to close this out.. in just a little while, and a little while again.
To review:
8 days Holy Masses.
7 days Morning Prayer, Evening Prayer, One Mind.
with the exception of yesterday, so rush-rush, spent.
Flashpoint near the end, fatigue.
New grace Sunday’s Dawn — CONTINUE,
not begin again,
not at the base of the Mountain.
Brief squalls & storms appear from nowhere at lofty heights
How quickly can we bivouac?
belay you, belay me
Follow the rope laid
Together.
It’s time for our leisure brunch.
❤️
9:58a❤️ Saturday, 11.4
An aside..
This is relevant to my miracles this week..
We’ve to Holy Mass again this morning, there’s a little piece bubbling up, similar to Search.. on what I saw as I knelt by the Holy Altar.. but I haven’t the time. I place the Time for it firmly in the hands of Mary, my mother, with the intention God knows when He wants me to sit.. when I am done with what I need to do to care for my home, my family, me.. when I am done looking to tomorrow, Sunday, our Day of Rest..
It may be a late entry, but it doesn’t matter.
Any planning I’ve ever done has always been for naught, especially when it comes to social media, posts, blogs, websites. Why am I here, anyway?.. ah, we won’t get into that.
Relevance.
I did a lot of writing yesterday. The thought of keeping you company started here, and continued.. continues to now.. and then I punched out Search and Nothing is Barren, deep into the Night. Hugo said, yes, I could, and then my day ended on a note of reflection to my Lord — so I didn’t alter my rising & my sleeping commitment where I want to think of God first thing & last thing of my day, everyday for the rest of my life.
BUT, I can sense The Drain. Acutely. Because I spent all week re-Ordering, telling myself, No, God FIRST!! I wasn’t on social media, nor Notes, nor on Substack.. I let the natural rhythm of Busy Doing What I Must reform my habits. It was very easy. Now that I teased back into it, where I was thinking & writing for an audience all the time, I want to be surprised by how much effort & time it takes to be On All the Time.
I say want to be surprised because I’ve always known what I was doing. I knew what what time I was taking, I knew what presence I was stealing.. I knew what it cost me.
The last time I sensed this kind of Great Drain was in 2009 when Hugo and I wrote to save the world over a period of weeks. The brain is awake, the heart & intuition searches, the soul never rests. It cost us great time with our children. This is why my presence here is always sporadic. I still remember & carry it with me, still..
Last night & today, I remember.
And I am grateful I’ve begun altering what I do, how I do, the way I do, why I do.
I know what it’s like to be on standby for the world. It’s rotten. Literally, it’s rotting time.
I’ll probably spend the rest of the afternoon and evening continuing to do what I wish & need to, to be in God’s Presence.
Not here on the internet, not here in this space where I once felt intimately tied to Him, thinking I could only find depth when I write about Him here, but as I do my pots & pans, as St. Teresa so sweetly alluded to so long ago.
ttys.. because I have something wonderful to explore with you.
❤️
5:22p
❤️ Friday, 11.3
From today’s First Friday Mass —
Alleluia, alleluia. My sheep hear my voice, says the Lord;I know them, and they follow me. Alleluia, alleluia. - John 10, 27
Ah, Lord.. I did say “Bid me,” didn’t I? How quickly You answer. How could I have ever wondered — not necessarily doubted — where You were, how You were, where You were. What I must cut away, Lord, cut away to better hear You. Help me.
—
Two days ago, I didn’t know how I could come back here.
>My thoughts are too personal. >I say too much. >There’s too much going on. >There’s too much going on *over there.*
I stayed put & did what I’ve done best this week — just turn deeply into Christ.
Then came the impetus: what my husband had bought me to actually write had gone unused throughout the week. Despite my impetuous & very, very spoiled nature, I was patient, remained trustful & focused on God, until finally, I insisted to Hugo —
>I must bless where I am with all of me, for God’s glory.
After a period of Substacky silence, I did a 180-reversal & was compelled to write today, Now, all day, and into the weekend. Sometimes, we just have to follow through and Act, in complete & total Faith —
On a sabbath Jesus went to dine at the home of one of the leading Pharisees,
and the people there were observing him carefully. In front of him there was a man suffering from dropsy. Jesus spoke to the scholars of the law and Pharisees in reply, asking, "Is it lawful to cure on the sabbath or not?"But they kept silent; so he took the man and, after he had healed him, dismissed him.
Then he said to them —
"Who among you, if your son or ox falls into a cistern, would not immediately pull him out on the sabbath day?"But they were unable to answer his question.
— St. Luke 14, 1-6, Today’s Gospel
The success of today doesn’t come from me. We know it comes from Our Lord Jesus Christ, but also from my neighbor — my husband in whom I entrusted this decision, this “I’m feeling it now, it’s a good day to write, do I write?” idea. Today glorifies Hugo who willed it to be, too.. not just me.
Who knew that in seeking a Good, by just seeking an entry into it through someone else, you’d be raining down Glory upon then too?
Father, whatever good I have today, in this.. thinking of You and Your beloved Son Jesus, and your working in my soul.. I thank you, and I thank Hugo who shares in this good work with me. Let this be the ground work for what comes next. You speak to my heart about returning to the hearts of Fathers to their children. Let it be so, let it come. Let me speak of the need for us to include those closest to us in everything we do. I love you so much! How could you possibly love me? Grace my friends! Touch them and their entire families, their extended families & their communities, that the world may all be united in love for You. Your Son wished that we all be One, Father. I will it Father, if you Will it. I love You. In Jesus’ name I pray, in Union with the Holy Spirit, through the intercession of my Mother, the Blessed Virgin Mary, whose hands and heart are so much purer than mine. Amen.
❤️
1:30a
More on Obedience..
Think of it as hedging in one’s soul.. to keep grace in, to hedge and completely believe that God controls all, that God loves you every milisecond (further, every infinitesimal .0000X second) of every moment, that He doesn’t remove His eye off you at any time, that His care, concern & love for you never, ever wanes, and that, therefore, whatever-ever-ever happens in every moment of your life is for the good of your soul, that even if there were some stupid aberration of mysterious fate or sin or fault or mistake — great or small — His mere presence in your life will work out for the good of your soul.
And we know that to them that love God, all things work together unto good, to such as, according to his purpose, are called to be saints. - St. Paul to the Romans 8, 28
There it is. On being watchful every moment. OR, not having to watch because you know God takes care of everything for you. OR, you know you’ve full capacity to make decisions for yourself, but you exercise the muscle of abandoning your free will to God through the will of your neighbor AND practice accepting the fate decisions made by someone else without a second thought. Practicing letting go, surrendering the will, in the of the events of the mundane. Micro=macro. My husband, my neighbor, my God.
I have great sympathy for those without spouses, for persons who do not have a companion to practice the give-and-take of relationship — basically, manners, politeness, love, interest, gratitude, humility, etc. .. all the goodness of basic, good relationship. With someone in your life, how much easier it is to have help developing all the good virtues of the soul’s relationship with God — through neighbor.
How thankful I am for neighbor..
How thankful I am for my husband..
How thankful I am to reflect on my idiocy, pride, and conceit when I layer my actions, thoughts, desires upon the existence of my friend.
You should come first. To do this, I need to get better at being a good soul.
Can I write today? Can I write now?
I would much rather abandon the act of whatev in deference to my friend — that I may grow in love for them, and put my own needs and wants beneath theirs. Like Jesus did.
Dearest Lord, help this forgetful mongrel. Surely, I’ll forget these words & sentiments. You may engrave them in my heart, but just You bidding me follow You will be reading a thousand words enough. Bid me. I *do* want to forget everything else. You be my Memory.
It is time for Holy Mass.
❤️
6:15p
Obedience.
This week, it’s turned into a simple practice, beginning with my husband.
I am Good Wife. I am Good Girl. I am Holy Woman. Silly and stupid, awkward, a goof.. graceful, elegant, I clean up good.. nothing beyond the ordinary. Devout Catholic is there, Love, Humility & Obedience is thrown in.
But to seek to be obedient, that is new.
Give me something I can follow. You tell me. .. it’s hard to describe, my friend, without you being here & seeing.
Surely, it is the cord between the souls.
Something has happened this week, perhaps the week before.. a very mark’d intention was delineated, not even examined or considered. It just came up and I said, This is what I will do.
It’s gone now, this Intention. I don’t know what it was, I’m not sure I want to know because that means going back and searching and thinking and weighing and following trace thoughts that no longer matter. All that counts is Now, my decisions Here. Nothing needs to be recovered or remembered to be replicated by me, because there’s nothing I can do to have this come again. Though I am enchanted by maps and long to traverse all imaginary and real worlds, I’ve no map to follow when it comes to grace.. I must be poised for when it comes, when God chooses.
My Intention started something. It feels like.. Surrender.
And so, that’s what I did this morning.. writing seems opportune, I’d like to try, I’ve graciously paused it all week, intentionally for Right Order — to do what I must, to live the rhythm of what is Good, Beautiful & True for love of God, for love of neighbor — and today I can write, I see the time God affords me. May I? Most importantly — Is it a good idea?
Lord, speak to me through the hearts & mouths of others.. bit me to hear, sea..
It wasn’t perfect. I was happy it turned out my way — I did have an argument, a plea, a claim. A did forge a Just Right —
It is good that I do this, it is good I write at work, it is a hostile work environment — has been this week — and I must bring in my world, my love, my Salvation into the space I have to inhabit while I am away from mine. I must write and contemplate. ..just a little.. in my little corner.. in my off time when it is proper and just. I must bless where I am with all of me, for God’s glory.
But such is the conversation between Hearts, my friend.
They have no wine.2
..and so now I have helped God make Water to Wine.
My conference period is now over. BB.❤️
❤️
3:23p
Write, write..
..my dear friend..
I come to you on a new device with the blessing of my husband,
. This came in earlier this week, and I’ve caught up with all my work, all my to-dos.. today is a luxurious, leisure Friday.. and in keeping, faithfully with God’s designs of how made me, I gotta write. OR, I need to tell. It’s just time. I’ve been away enough all week & the impulse to share the love in Love is great...y’kno? what do you do?
- Glorify God by being you. - Follow Right Order as far as you can. - Allow time for thyself, lest you get trapped in hamster wheels.
Right Order this time is satisfactorily completing my work — fumbling for sure and not near perfection, but very, very good enough. 110% to capacity, per my profession & my own standards.
I spoke with my husband about bringing my very, very pleasant device to work with me to write — as opposed to writing on my work laptop — and, of course, he said yes. We’re all about practicality & protection of one’s ideas & the separation of pleasure and work and yadda.. but the underlying Truth was Obedience.
My friend, this time, there was no — Calculation with doing what I want, getting what I want (oh, yes.. I do that as woman and wife).
It was, Husband, can I write today at work? It’s a well-deserved Boardgame Day for the children, I want to write during lunch & during my conference. It’s my day, too?
How could my Beloved deny me?
There’s a spiritual purpose behind this I’ll get to in a moment.. but for now, my lunch is over.. I will continue these thoughts & continue this entry along the top. Vertical eclipses denote there’s more to come..
Thank you Lord, bless our friends..
❤️
11:50a
for my new subscribers (thank you, I love you), “updating along the top” is something I would commonly do on this Substack. She’s been running for 3 years, after all, and some habits created are rather beautiful and unique to a person, would you not say? I “update along the top” because my expectation is to add to the entry over time — it may be over a day, typically over a weekend. I am keeping you company wherever you are, you are keeping company with me as I process thoughts, ideas, life. I return to you to converse, that’s just my way. So, rather than barrage you with multiple email, we’ve got one, beautiful, meandering trail of thinking.. I’m inviting you on a journey of thought, please return for updates. :)
St. John 2, 3