To think.
.. s-notes. updated, 1.19, 1:15p
updates along the top..
Yeah, no.. I don’t care..
.. dearest, it looks like last night’s image was not a photo of twilight, but of dawn.. a new morning, new starts, new things, newness..
Tonight, I put to bed the political scene.
I know I’ve said this before — especially last time with my mentioning Justice!! and such — but what hearing others say what needs to be said gives me peace. I’ve dropped the think tank journals, DC & geopolitical mags.. I don’t care to hear anything else. I’m done with the media for the next several years.
I had two ideas to play “resistance” with — one would be a site dedicated to teaching young people about propaganda and how to really read media & periodicals… something that could go into conservative classrooms or homeschool environments. The other was a resistance cinema — where we watch subversive films, where protagonists strive to live a beautiful, truthful lives despite the oppression they suffer. There can be a live chat with on-going commentary or even a Q & A or discussion on the beauty we’re inspired to create based on this film. Resistance cinema for creatives. Nice and underground. I always wanted to be part of a sneaky, underground sect!
.. little dreams like that are a distraction to me right now, though.
Dearest, I miss God. I used to think about Him all the time. Six months ago, when writing in the pages of this substack, I remembering wondering how I was going to “move beyond” Him.. write about other things, with Him concealed perhaps. I’ve no fear of writing fiction, horror, science fiction without mentioning His name, or even referring to Catholicism, because I know my values — my soul — would find it’s way in there. For so long, God was the subject of so much that I wrote about, so much of my thinking. Remember I spoke of wanting to sit at the feet of wise men? I was always at His feet.. listening, watching.. imbibing like a curious child, wanting to know more.. More!
I miss thinking of Him always.
I blame Twitter.. but, of course, it’s me. I blame me. Letting Twitter reign is permission to lose control of my thinking, to lose power over me, and that bothers me.
So, I know I didn’t write yesterday.. and I was off of Twitter for a bit after writing last time (I was purposeful in going there expressly to waste time.. o, and ask for prayer.. then leave). I spent this time seeing Twitter as an animal beyond the friends I love, a vice that does things to me.. dearest, something that has gotten between me and my Lord, me and Who is closer than my very own self.
I can’t think well when I’m not thinking of God. My brilliance just isn’t there.
Right now, I’m withered. Dry.
That’s okay.. we build up from times such as these, brought on by the weathering of life (endless work, stress, changing careers, lay-offs & resignations), tine away from the sacraments (Daily Mass, access to Holy Adoration), lack of prayer (personal mental prayer for me.. my spiritual strength wanes if I don’t do this).
So, steps:
To the devil: Try me. I’ve allowed myself to be led astray, but you’ve given me a beautiful cross to bear in my desolation. You may try to keep me, but know that the farther you try to take me, the greater God’s glory, because I am already His. How sweet it is for the return of His littlest lambs, demon. Release me, take your fool minions, in the name of Jesus. My mind, body, soul, & will belong to Him, for Him to do what He will with them. Begone, Satan, in the name of Jesus, through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary I pray.
Run to Mary: No matter how stupid, frazzled, lost I become.. even to my own self.. and I feel I’ve no roadmap to follow to come home, to return to what is familiar, I go to Mary, dearest. She always, always brings me home.. reminds me of who I am, where I’ve been, what my soul is really like, and Who I love, and why I love others as much as I do. God and neighbor, dearest, God and neighbor.. She reorients me. Picks me up off the floor, gently wipes my tears, washes my face, dresses me in fresh garments, combs my hair, places me in new silken slippers, and sends me off to my Lord. O, dearest, if you only knew.. once you’ve found her, once you’ve told her you are hers — which is, in effect, saying you are Jesus’ forever, because *everything* that Mary owns belongs to Jesus, she wants nothing for herself! — she mothers you more than she mothers all of mankind. She sees you as another Jesus, as one belonging to only to Him. You are hers, yet you are His treasure. What else can she do but take care of you in the gentlest, most loving manner? Without even a thought? Of what you’ve done, where you’ve been, what you’ve seen, who you’ve lingered about? Yes, it’s unimaginable, but true. So, naughty as I am, I have been to see my Mother. The neatest thing about her is that she orders and tidies your little abode (God’s home), without your realizing it, just like the best of mothers. :). Mary, Mary, be my mother, Mary.
Read holy stuff, pray, & write.. and do what I'm supposed to do. Projects and work are such a wonder for the soul. They create spaces for one to think. Twitter, social media, and all them? Those are platforms built be designers for a very specific purpose. We do find our friends on them, as we are attracted to our own, but that’s a natural element of our humanity. It doesn’t mean these platforms are the best means to grow friendships or even form oneself… because they are someone else’s creation. Dearest, this is why I’m such a proponent of finding friends & getting offline as soon as one can manage it with friends. As long as friends and loved ones stay disconnected (ironically) through platforms, they remain unnatural, to a degree, no matter how soul-baring online friends can become. Hesitation can’t be a part of deep, authentic friendships. We bare our souls to each other, to connect, but also to do for one another, to leap, to run, to pray, to lay down on the ground to be trod upon. We need that opportunity to deepen friendships. That’s kinda hard with anonymity. Hiding names and faces. Not moving offline in the slightest concedes Love to the powers that be. And there it stays.. likely to grow stagnant.. maybe die.. at the very least, to be shrugged away.
Dearest, how did I ever get there? Anyway, that’s a bit on how I feel about Twitter and the like.. I’ll have to transfer that thinking to my other super-duper-private substack AnimaChristi, where I’m drafting my writing projects:
There’s hardly anything on there and it’s completely restricted.. the 11 views, I suspect, are from substacker employees.. otherwise, I have no explanation.
I’m committed to not being a lazy writer! f you’d like access, maybe to be a beta reader — because this is my *real work* after all — please email me so we can chat about it.
I think I’ll be writing all day tomorrow.. Dearest, life is beautiful — Love!! Thank you for giving me Hope..
—
AMDG, 1.19.2021
in Love,
your veronica
Dearest Lord, we love you!! Yours was the first model, thank you for holy friendship!
Almighty, everlasting God, You Who govern both the heavens and the earth, graciously hear the humble prayers of Your people and grant us Your peace all the days of our life.
O Lord, hear Your people as they humbly pray in union with the patronal intercession of Your saints, that You would grant us to enjoy peace during our life on earth and to find help for life eternal.
- Collect, Commemoratio S. Maurii et Soc. Mart., Feria III infra Hebdomadam II post Epiphaniam
:)
I really like coming here, sitting here quietly & meeting with you to think about things. It’s different than being out there in the open.. in the wild.. on social media. I’m blind out there, reaching out, not reaching in.
I’m thinking, if I approach the space searching.. for you, perhaps.. or even myself, I come up empty.
It has to be I go there with holy purpose, to love, to show God, mirror who He is, what He is.. or it becomes a vice. And I get lost.
I don’t like being lost. Aimless.
What I remember is gong there to give, love, offer.. sometimes empty, sometimes find & fill.. move on. My Memory doesn’t live in yesterday, though. There’s never been a set rule with what I’ve done in being among souls.. I’m just a little cloud. ah, but you see, I drift.. Grounded in the greater scheme, but.. this mess, dearest this mess.
It’s a little twilight for that drifting time, then. Thank you, Lord.
I will go to Twitter with purpose. Be me, love. Envision, love. Everything else, someplace else.. though it drives me insane.. maybe a thread. .. no. I’ll ask Hugo. Obedience, love, obedience always helps, what a grace to have someone through which God can direct you. He will tell me.. but until then, I will do as I always do.
I will stay for only awhile. Dearest, Twitter is my vice. I have already found you, my friends.. no searching, love, there’s just too much to do. I’ve to live, love in real life.. dearest, my dearest, pray.. little whispers, mental prayer, faithfully.
I’m so weak. Why?
Maybe.. if I can reason this out.
When I was little, there was great oppression in my home by my Dad and elder brother. You’ve heard me mention it before, either here or on social media.. There were 4 more of us: my Mom and 3 sisters. None of us were innocent, but we all struggled living in this oppressive home. Amid lies and deceit, and drunkenness and emotional & verbal violence, Truth was mixed into all this. I saw Truth clearly since I was very, very young, because I lived simply and alone — I was 8 years removed from my closest sibling, so I grew up watching horrors unfold and hearing stories. I was almost a voyeur, living 4, 5 lives in my one.. watching, processing.. protected & saved by God’s grace.
As I got older, I stood up to oppression — the weaponization of my Fatih — and was verbal about it. I thought of my soul, and those of my loved ones, even though some of them were bad actors of their own fate.
I guess all this developed a strong streak of Justice in my soul. And great Mercy, because I saw none.. until the very end, years after I was married.
Now, when I see blatant lies and great, great evil — doomsday evil by those in charge — I squeak. These are great threats we face in this propagandic age. Personally, Trump can sink in a river.. I hope he dies well & in God’s grace.. but other than being God’s instrument to expose this evil that has pervaded our nation for years, he hasn’t don’t anything to preserve the little people. He should have realized our enemies would punish us.. it’s a great evil if he knew this and is let us bake in this mess he left behind, just so we can punish his enemies, vote them out of office, so he can return to power.
Dearest, there’s evil all around, there’s nothing to be done but live our lives well.. holy.. I *know* this.. and am having a hard time letting go.
A next step for me will be to figure out the next step — and help souls with this. Write about it, talk about it. We need to live a full life for the sake of our children. Dwelling on this is poison.
I guess that will be my Justice — living deeply, loving fully, showing people a path.
Dearest.. I’m not going to wrinkle and whither up, crumble away for them.
Vibrancy! Joy! Beauty! Love, great Love!
If I must convince myself every. single. day. by processing it on paper I will.
So much depends on the mother of a home, my friend, you know this. I know what you’re doing, evil ones, you will not dampen my spirit.
And now I remember how much I hate the devil. Oh, how he’d love for me to pursue the least perfect thing.. massage and masturbate these problems into my mind and slowly grow crazy and hopeless like those I know..
No. I reject this.
I am my Lord’s good little servant. He lived under oppression. Revolutionaries were in His presence.. but it was His meek & humble heart He wished they’d follow, not one of rebellion, planning, & plotting.
Jesus.. I need you. Give me your Divine Heart, your Divine Love, my Dear Love, that I may love your people, and show them ways to see beyond this muck, this entrenched fear, to You, our only Good. I haven’t the words.. You give them to me. Put them in my heart, get rid — scour, scratch, tear, prune, pluck what obstructs my love, your Love to flow through me, whatever keeps me from you. I stomp on it! I reject Satan and his stupid, secret ways of deception, distraction, disdain & despair. I cast him out Lord, in Your Name.. him and his seductive ideas.. that only You and Your Holy inspirations will reign in my heart, nothing else. I am Your servant. I am your servant’s servant. Please, only let me love.. give me the grace to love as You would.. because I’m just totally flawed. I love you, please, please care for my friends, we are all looking at uncertainty, let us remember You. Care for their loved ones, Dear Lord, keep them healthy in mind, body, and spirit, that they may have joyous relationships that withstand the hurricanes of these times. Let them see with You, we can go live through anything, just like the Early Church. I offer my prayer through you, to the God the Father, in union with the Holy Spirit, through the intercession of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Please let me stay at her feet, that she may show me all she needs to.. because surely, I am a stupid woman. Amen.
—
AMDG, 1.17.2020
in Love,
your veronica
—
Let all on earth worship You, O God, and sing praise to You, sing praise to Your name, Most High.
Ps 65:4
Shout joyfully to God, all you on earth, sing praise to the glory of His name; proclaim His glorious praise.
Ps 65:1-2
V. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Ghost.
R. As it was in the beginning, is now, and ever shall be, world without end. Amen.
Introit, Sancta Missa, Dominica II post Epiphaniam
Dearest, I love you.. let us make our way to heaven..