Discover more from Water to Wine
Lonely is the Word.
.. a little comparison of the Writing Life to Jesus’ sojourn.
❤️.. God, be with me..
Hugo’s been Notebooking.. a writing from him will come soon, I know. While I have Woman’s spirit of constant expression, constant movement, constant love & nurturing (ministering?), his is Man’s spirit of deep, time-less contemplation.. one long conversation with his God, deep within his heart.
I am happy for this. I would say.. ecstatic, thrilled, exhilarated.. but there’s a peace about me these days. Truly, it is because I am with my husband. In real life we are together always, in body & presence, talking & thinking always, always.. but now there’s a rhythm around God as demonstrated by this week of Masses & consistent Divine Offices. For years, work and the “rush of life” have always gotten in the way. I can’t tell you how the change came about, but it has.
Now, Hugo sits with me — he’s just across this, our little table by our bedroom window where we sit in our prayer chairs — pondering what to make permanent for you, yes, but also for his children, for Eternity. For God.
We’ve not lived this close of a like-minded life of since perhaps 2015. My friend, take this as you will, someday I will tell the story. Right now, though, the story I think this moment is about Christ and His Mother.
Writing is very, very lonely endeavor. It has been, anyway, to me. Though I’d derive great pleasure from it and great satisfaction when I’d sit and think and pray and play, the writing world I’d enter had been achingly harsh for so long.
My mind had been by herself with only her heart to speak to.
Since before I came here to Substack, since about 2018, when I came to social media from the blogosphere, I entreated souls I admired to write, make permanent the love & brilliant ideas they shared with the world. I really wanted them to write with me. Who would be my little friend to keep me company? Who could I talk to about the deepest crevasses of my stony heart? Who would understand, who who know? Who would know me? Would it even be appropriate to share such things? — that was my greatest, greatest struggle for 3, 4 long years. I am compelled to tell, but to who? with who? with Who?? God was my stand-in for the man I was waiting for..
I know this lonely, writing story, maybe you do, too. When someone seems to appreciate our thinking and our writing, we are overjoyed because it’s an affirmation of what we think, of who we are: What I think is along Right Lines, what I write is Good, possibly True.. my writing can be Beautiful!
o, what Love we experience when we have company.
If our joy at connection is indeed confirmation of the hard-won victory over difficult interior struggles —
If it is indeed difficult to convey ideas meaningfully for another soul to know us —
— if writing is indeed lonely, can we then imagine what loneliness the Word Himself might have experienced?
So many times throughout His ministry, Jesus would sigh to those closest to Him for not having His same mind, for not being Known —
Why are you fearful, O ye of little faith?1
O thou of little faith, why didst thou doubt?2
Why do you think within yourselves, O ye of little faith.. Do you not yet understand..? Why do you not understand..?3
How long shall I be with you? How long shall I suffer you?4
Put in thy finger hither, and see my hands; and bring hither thy hand, and put it into my side; and be not faithless, but believing.5
Behold Satan hath desired to have you, that he may sift you as wheat.. the cock shall not crow this day, till thou thrice deniest that thou knowest me.6
To the very end, right to His Ascension, His Disciples misunderstood Him, calling for the return of the temporal Kingdom of Israel —
Lord, wilt thou at this time restore again the kingdom to Israel?
But he said to them: It is not for you to know the times or moments, which the Father hath put in his own power: But you shall receive the power of the Holy Ghost coming upon you, and you shall be witnesses unto me..7
Christ’s disciples wouldn’t completely Know until they received the Holy Spirit 9 days later during Pentecost.
What loneliness Jesus must known through His life despite being part of the Eternal Godhead & Triune God, to not be known by those He chose to be close to. What He must have felt traversing the harsh world among those who didn’t know Him entirely — just as we do as Christians discerning the Narrow Gate.8
There was, however, one person who knew Christ’s Mind & kept Him company during His earthly sojourn.
Which may be why He made her Immaculate.
.. my friend, if she were Immaculate & full of grace, her mind, heart, & soul would have been on God since she was a little child. She wouldn’t suffer the concupiscence, none of the trappings of Original Sin as we do because of the Fall of Adam.
What comfort is Mother to her Son, Woman to Man.. and man to woman.
I didn’t pray for this reunion with my husband in the Writing Life. We had already been united as One on the day of our marriage long ago, ‘tis true. Though s our marriage would sometimes veer on a habitual course of automaticity, the flesh is ever so inclined to reignite Embers, so Good is God’s design.. we’ve always been togehter.
But, my thinking of One Mind reemerged several weeks ago. That thought has since ventured into my husbands’, and now, it appears to be blossoming again in the lives of our children. This other Ember is a telling of what has been, what is, and what is to come, the heart of a Father turning to the heart of his children as we see Him, face to face.11
Hugo will be posting his entry, soon, my friend. How great is God’s mercy to His little ones.
Much love & prayers.. I pray for One Mind where you are.. of your open sharing of Love, thoughts, humor, your work, your very self with those closest to you, with our God before you. I pray for your Intimacy of mind, heart, body, & soul with God & with the soul before you.
I take you to Holy Mass with me. Thank you for Love, Father.
In Spiritu Tuo, ad gloriam Patris. 11.5.2023, XXIII Sunday after Pentecost, 31st Sunday in Ordinary Time.
listening to the Pharisees & Sadducees, His disciples don’t understand the miracle of the 5 loaves, St. Matthew 16, 8-11